I look at women. All the time. I’m known for it. When I’m walking outside, people point at me and say to each other, “Look! Here comes the guy who looks at women!”

Women often look back at guys like myself who look at them, which often leads to spectacular traffic accidents. This is called “eye contact” (or “iContact”, if you’re into Apple.)

I distinctly remember my first eye contact, because in my case it coincided with the beginning of puberty (the acute, incurable physiological disorder in human males that manifests itself in a victim’s complete inability to concentrate on anything except the nearest pair of breasts). In fact, I’m certain that the eye contact in question had set off a rogue hormone that had triggered puberty in me.

I was eleven and a half, minding my own business, innocently riding a bicycle back home from the river where I had just taken a carefree summer swim, when all of a sudden I experienced a sharp sensation, known to every Vietnam war veteran as the “Vietnam war veteran sensation”:

I was being watched.

I whirled around just in time to meet the gaze of the most charming ten- year-old girl to ever watch a boy land on his ass in the dust.

Her laughter was melodious like tiny silver bells.

I’ve been trying to repair my self-respect ever since.

Eventually this lead me to becoming a guru in this messed up dating industry. These days I know a lot about eye contact… especially when used to manipulate women into liking you.

Using Eye Contact In Seduction

Eye contact is extremely expressive. I’ve trained myself to recognize and observe entire conversations between men and women where nobody utters a single word: only the power of eye contact is used. A typical male-female nonverbal exchange goes like this:

• He (establishes eye contact): Hi. I want to have sex with you.
• She (returns eye contact): I have a boyfriend.
• He (maintains eye contact): I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU.
• She (maintains eye contact): Look somewhere else. You’re creepy.
• He (encouraged, switches to the “bedroom eyes” mode): I want to have sex with you, baby.
• She (gives in to the temptation): Asshole! (Breaks eye contact).
• He (elated): Another learning experience!

Of course it becomes slightly more suspenseful when both staring parties are males (even if these particular males are the data entry professionals, and not alpha males):

• Male 1 (establishes eye contact): I’m gonna mess you up.
• Male 2 (returns eye contact): I’m gonna mess YOU up.

(Repeat ad libitum until the two males attack simultaneously and indeed mess each other up with such dedication that the Alpha male can only be determined post-mortem).

That’s why the best place to practice the power of eye contact (before you are ready to use it on humans) is your local zoo. Come to the zoo very early in the morning, find the cage with a gorilla, and make eye contact. Gorillas don’t back off, so be prepared to stay there until evening. By that time, depending on a few minor additional factors (such as your posture, the way you’re dressed, and the cologne you’re wearing) you will either have the complete mastery of eye contact – or a very nervous gorilla. And no, fractionation does not work on primates.

Of course you can also get in touch with me, and I might be able to teach you how to use eye contact correctly so that you can pick up your very unique version of a perfect ten.

Bring your own cage!

Of course you have. Anyone has, at least in a dream.

But have you ever walked up to a perfect ten and said hello? (Not in a dream?)

Have you realized there are courageous, uncompromising men in this nation who have made it their profession to protect perfect tens from otherwise inevitable state of complete existential alienation? Did you know that – in certain highly influential circles – men capable of walking up to a perfect ten and starting a seemingly casual conversation rank among the world’s noblest heroes and benefactors, right next to Jesus, Mahatma Gandhi, and Donald Trump?

And the most important question: what the hell am I talking about?

What is a “perfect ten”?

A perfect ten is a woman whose physical and spiritual beauty is slightly less perfect than that of a perfect eleven. Or twelve. Of course, these days in our culture if you decide to strike up a conversation with a girl, she better be at least eighteen – but other than that, her age is not important. A typical woman may be thousands of years old, and yet still a ten (as can be observed by looking at Cate Blanchette and Liv Tyler in “Lord of the Rings”. Or your ex-girlfriend.) If you’re a budding pickup artist with a set of awesome seduction techniques under your belt, then being choosy is definitely a no-no.

A woman’s physical beauty isn’t particularly important, either. A case to the point: it’s the common knowledge among us, dating gurus, that all other dating gurus only hang out with extremely ugly girls – and yet every dating guru would call his (very current) girlfriend a perfect ten. Clearly, what all other dating gurus mean is that all their girlfriends as one possess incredible inner beauty that fully compensates for the obvious fact that they all could play mutant zombies in “Planet Terror” without any makeup (by “they all” I mean “the girlfriends”) (the gurus, too). Of course my own (very current) girlfriend is immune to the horrible pandemic that plagues all the other dating gurus’ (very current) girlfriends: she is indeed a perfect ten, spiritually AND physically – and don’t listen to what other dating gurus might tell you about her. But then again, I had met her at the grocery store.

Now that I think about it – who am I to tell you what a perfect ten really is? (The answer: just a guy who gets paid crazy megabucks to tell other guys what a perfect ten really is.)

Seriously though, you must not let anyone define your reality. You don’t have to trust me about that, just listen to what I’m saying to you. Your own vision of the perfect ten won’t come from me. It will occur to you as if by an accident, after I say the code words “baby carrot”. You will forget everything about this conversation. One, two, three, wake up.

(Resounding finger click).