I look at women. All the time. I’m known for it. When I’m walking outside, people point at me and say to each other, “Look! Here comes the guy who looks at women!”
Women often look back at guys like myself who look at them, which often leads to spectacular traffic accidents. This is called “eye contact” (or “iContact”, if you’re into Apple.)
I distinctly remember my first eye contact, because in my case it coincided with the beginning of puberty (the acute, incurable physiological disorder in human males that manifests itself in a victim’s complete inability to concentrate on anything except the nearest pair of breasts). In fact, I’m certain that the eye contact in question had set off a rogue hormone that had triggered puberty in me.
I was eleven and a half, minding my own business, innocently riding a bicycle back home from the river where I had just taken a carefree summer swim, when all of a sudden I experienced a sharp sensation, known to every Vietnam war veteran as the “Vietnam war veteran sensation”:
I was being watched.
I whirled around just in time to meet the gaze of the most charming ten- year-old girl to ever watch a boy land on his ass in the dust.
Her laughter was melodious like tiny silver bells.
I’ve been trying to repair my self-respect ever since.
Using Eye Contact In Seduction
Eye contact is extremely expressive. I’ve trained myself to recognize and observe entire conversations between men and women where nobody utters a single word: only the power of eye contact is used. A typical male-female nonverbal exchange goes like this:
- He (establishes eye contact): Hi. I want to have sex with you.
- She (returns eye contact): I have a boyfriend.
- He (maintains eye contact): I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU.
- She (maintains eye contact): Look somewhere else. You’re creepy.
- He (encouraged, switches to the “bedroom eyes” mode): I want to have sex with you, baby.
- She (gives in to the temptation): Asshole! (Breaks eye contact).
- He (elated): Another learning experience!
Of course it becomes slightly more suspenseful when both staring parties are males (even if these particular males are the data entry professionals, and not alpha males):
- Male 1 (establishes eye contact): I’m gonna mess you up.
- Male 2 (returns eye contact): I’m gonna mess YOU up.
(Repeat ad libitum until the two males attack simultaneously and indeed mess each other up with such dedication that the Alpha male can only be determined post-mortem).
That’s why the best place to practice the power of eye contact (before you are ready to use it on humans) is your local zoo. Come to the zoo very early in the morning, find the cage with a gorilla, and make eye contact. Gorillas don’t back off, so be prepared to stay there until evening. By that time, depending on a few minor additional factors (such as your posture, the way you’re dressed, and the cologne you’re wearing) you will either have the complete mastery of eye contact – or a very nervous gorilla. And no, fractionation does not work on primates.
Of course you can also get in touch with me, and I might be able to teach you how to use eye contact correctly so that you can pick up your very unique version of a perfect ten.