After I took the Shogun Method course, two months ago, I made a commitment to myself to not have sex again until it was in the context of emotional intimacy.
Don’t worry guys, I’m not going to try to get you to do this. I did it for my own reasons (which I’ll describe below) and would never recommend someone else do something that wasn’t personally meaningful for them. But I do think there are lessons to be learned.
One reason I did NOT make this decision was to “get” something out of it. But I found, to my surprise, that once I made the decision and committed to it, women responded to me in a completely different way, and started making it clear to me in subtle (and in some cases not so subtle) ways that they were interested in me romantically and sexually. In all cases except one (my now girlfriend C.) I have not availed myself of all this opportunity. But this shift in how women were responding to me was interesting to notice.
So, why’d I do it?
On the Sunday of Shogun Method training, amazing, attractive, juicy, connected, intuitive women come in, and their job for the day is to reflect back to you how they are experiencing your manhood in each moment. Believe me, guys, it was fucking intense. These women were strong and no-bullshit. Often what they said was not pretty or fun to hear. But upon reflection it was usually true.
After some of the more aggressive exercises had passed, and I was feeling a newfound (and more expansive) sense of masculinity charging through me. I also found myself connecting profoundly with these women, in a way I had not frequently experienced previously.
Before the day started, Decker made clear several boundaries and guidelines for the interactions. One of the boundaries was that we were not allowed to have any interaction with—and certainly not date—any of the AMP women for three months after that day. The purpose of this agreement was so that we could feel safe showing up for them in our full vulnerability, without hiding behind masks or routines in hopes that we might be able to pick these women up. I wholeheartedly accepted, and the opportunity to relate with attractive women fully as I was in the moment, with no hiding anything or pretending or acting or having an agenda—even if what came up for me was vulnerable or embarrassing or humiliating—felt like a breath of fresh air to me.
It was the first time I recall relating to attractive women I’d just met not as hot bods I wanted to screw, but as human beings.
And it felt good. Damn good. The connection I was able to share with these women felt spiritual, marvelous, divine.
I had always had it in my mind, before Shogun Method (read this review), that I was looking for a serious connection with a woman, and that I could also fuck around a lot in the meantime. And so I commenced the relentless PUA hunt for more and more pussy, more and more casual sex.
What my experience that Sunday suggested was that the relentless search for casual sex—indeed even having the possibility of casual sex on the table—affected the way I was relating to women. It encouraged me to view them as potential playthings (objects) rather than as human beings with feelings, emotions, pain and joy and vulnerability inside. It encouraged me to have a goal or an agenda for my interactions with women—namely, to get their panties off—rather than just relating to them as human beings, connecting with them, and finding out what was going on authentically for them, whether or not that lead to sex. You know, the stuff on how to make her want you badly, and all that jazz.
After AMP, I realized I wanted the kind of connection I experienced with women that Sunday in my life. Badly. And I decided to try on the idea that my relentless quest for more and more casual sex was getting in the way of having that kind of connection in my life.
So I decided that I would try something new. I would make a commitment to not have sex again until it was in the context of emotional intimacy. Not that I would never have casual sex again the rest of my life. Not even that I would need to wait until I was in a serious, committed relationship. Just, I would not have sex until there was a strong and meaningful emotional reason for it to happen.
And so. . . as I walked outside for the first time with this new commitment, the world seemed completely different. It seemed fresher, less combative, more full of hopeful possibility for human connection. There were still all these attractive, juicy women walking around, but all of the sudden, my relation to them had changed. Emotional intimacy takes weeks and months to happen, and there’s not way to “make” it happen. It’s something that unfolds over time, on its own course, if you’re open to it.
So, in other words, I had time with these women. I could just sit back and relate to them as humans. I could just be myself (my post-Shogun Method empowered, in-touch, emotionally-accessible, fully-alive self), even if that self was feeling lonely, or tired, or angry, or afraid. I didn’t have to try to impress them. I could just enjoy getting to see and know who they really were as people, without any kind of expectation or agenda or plan, and not worry if sex was going to happen or not.
And I found, as soon as I started relating to women in this new way, they started opening up to me. Emotionally. Spiritually. And yes, sexually. I had one woman literally tell me that she wanted to go back to my bed and screw me, forty minutes into our first date. (She had thrust her number in my hand, without my asking for it, twenty minutes after meeting, the night before.) And guess what? I turned her down.
That was a first for me. Turning down an attractive woman who said she wanted to screw me. I did it because I had made a commitment, to not have sex until I felt emotional intimacy, and I wasn’t feeling intimacy with her yet. I remembered that attraction equaled danger.
One of the women who opened up to me is my now-girlfriend C. I finally have, every day of my life, the emotional intimacy, profound connection I wanted so badly that Sunday.
And, there are lots of other amazing women in my life now with whom I share juicy, flirtatious, fun and meaningful connections, without taking it to the level of sex.
So, what is the take home lesson here? I don’t want to encourage you to make the commitment I did. I did it for my own reasons, and if you’re going to do something similar, you should do it for your reasons. Or maybe just because you’re uncompromisingly alpha.
Still, I think there is something to be learned even for those who don’t want to make such a decision in their life. It is a wonderful surprise to me to note how aggressive other women can be in expressing their sexual interest in me, when they sense that what I want with them above all is connection, not just disconnected and meaningless sex. I am still blown away by how much more women open up to me since I made the shift towards seeing them as people to connect with (whatever the outcome), not bodies to conquer. Even when I possibly have the best seduction tactic ever invented under my belt.
Next time you are talking with a woman you’re interested in, try talking to her with no agenda at all. Instead, open yourself up to her emotionally, give her access to what is going on inside of you no matter what it is, with no goal other than to share and connect. You can feel turn-on for her. But allow that turn-on to co-exist with a willingness to connect with her no matter what comes of it. Chances are, she will follow suit and open up to you as well.