I am not an alpha male. (Sue me.)
I found out about my not being an alpha male the hard way a little over a year ago, when I got into a terrible public speaking accident in Las Vegas.
(A brief summary of the event:
Cal Pont (whispering): In most and quite possibly all cases of putative theory reduction by strict identities, we, so to speak, have instead a relation of physical realization or constitution, nicely illustrated by the property of bi-modal convergence… And that, my friends, is the simplest and most effective way to meet and connect with women.
I never realized I have had glossophobia before I went on stage in Bellagio hotel on that day (it was my first ever attempt at public speaking.) Whenever I find myself challenged, I switch into the default philosopher mode. Nothing works better than a bit of Hegel to confuse an opponent before I kick him in the nuts and run away.
Unfortunately, this tactic didn’t help me much in Las Vegas, because people who witnessed my fiasco told me they couldn’t hear me even in the first row… which is a bummer, considering that I had a Frank T.J. Mackie-style microphone on me and that it was attached on the other end to the public address system normally used for announcing fire drills.
Of course, my fear of public speaking doesn’t prevent me from getting more pussy than a proverbial toilet seat, all cat doctors in New York’s Tri-State area, and the entire staff of Microsoft corporation put together (probably not that difficult), but still, I’m not an alpha male. I find life easier this way. If I were an alpha male, I would have to spend a lot of money on blood pressure medication.
I know, I know: it’s been scientifically proven that you can’t get laid unless you’re an alpha male. That is, if you’re a baboon. If you are a human though, there’s still hope (even if dating, generally, sucks). I mean, if Seth Rogen can get chicks, the sky is the limit for you. Especially if you know a killer mind control seduction tactic like fractionation.
Alpha Males: My Observations
Not being an alpha male, I still find them fascinating. Unfortunately, I have yet to meet a true human alpha male. The problem is, according to the classic definition, the alpha male is the only male in the tribe whom all other males look up to. At this very moment, thanks to the success of Internet and failure of contraception, our tribe consists of 6,749,389,661 individuals (if you count Crispin Glover), and all of us never look up to the same guy. I can think of only one man to ever approach a status of true alpha male, and it’s Santa Claus.
God doesn’t fit the bill, either: even though He had mentioned once that he was Alpha, he immediately got shy, took it back and added humbly, “and Omega”. By the way, the conversational technique He used is the combination of Push/Pull and Disqualification. (I’m lucky God has a sense of humor. Not all of His followers do.)
So, as I said, I never met a human alpha male. I’ve met many struggling alpha males, though. Technically this makes them beta males, but still, one can’t help admiring their efforts.
Like many of the fellow scholars of the subject, I first had a chance to closely observe the behavior of aspiring alpha males when I was at high school: they were the burly guys, good at football, bad at math and awful with girls because of their (males, not girls) conversational style (grunts). Me, I was a popular kid, not only among girls but especially among the members of my school’s football team: I was really good at math and they all wanted me to do their homework (While they hone their seduction techniques in the field.)
Of course, because of my popularity, it required some effort to get my attention, so these guys sometimes had to go as far as holding me upside down over a toilet (which wasn’t easy even for them, as I was a chubby kid.) But I’m proud to say, in the end they always got good marks.
A Deeper Look Into Alpha Maleism
My later field study of would-be-alpha-male behavior has led me to creating the classification of the two main types of the Alpha Male: Busy Alpha Male and Lazy Alpha Male (and remember that when I say “Alpha” I mean “Beta”.)
Busy Alpha Male type is easy to recognize. These are the guys who walk up and join your set hoping to walk away with your girl, scowling, glaring, flexing their muscles and altogether straining themselves so much that you might think they are about to either poop or have a baby Alpha Male. Their eyes appear glazed, which gives an overall impression that they are also playing the title role in their own private inner-screen version of the “Terminator” movie.
Fortunately, the tough image such guy is trying to project is so important to him that complimenting him on how intimidating he looks usually leaves him dazed, confused and disarmed, revealing a nice, slightly frustrated corporate IT worker that had been hiding under the rough exterior all this time.
Lazy Alpha Male types, on the other hand, want to be cool and hip (like desperately donning peacocking accessories), that’s why they act so low key that it seems as if they take a lot of valium simply to wake up. You can never understand what they are saying to you because they speak in the insinuating voices of British TV political commentators and their vocabulary is mostly jive learned from a dictionary.
Lazy Alpha Males try really hard to avoid any eye contact, hoping to create the impression that they would calmly walk right by you even if you were having brain surgery performed on you with chainsaws by a gang of fat Elvis impersonators. A Lazy Alpha Male would join your set and focus his unfocused gaze on your girl, and then he would ignore you hoping not so much that you leave, but rather that you stick around and admire his unavailability.
Luckily, Lazy Alpha male demeanor is inevitably a mask protecting the face of a severe attention seeker. He thrives on people’s failed attempts to engage him… by playing mind games on others. These guys can’t handle physical contact. So a good counter tactic is to put your arm around the guy and just walk away with him. Chat at him as you walk, bring him into a different set, and he will get stuck there, doing his best to ignore everyone in the new group.
That’s it for today. 🙂
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